What is the Love Bombing Cycle?
Love bombing: a charming, somewhat insidious phenomenon that starts with roses, poetry, and grand declarations of devotion, only to veer into the realm of manipulation faster than you can say “red flag.” So, what exactly is the love bombing cycle, and why does it often leave its recipients more frazzled than flattered?
Let’s unravel this overly enthusiastic display of affection together, shall we?
Love bombing definition
Love bombing is, quite literally, the act of “bombing” you with love: lots of affection, compliments, lavish gifts, day trips, promises of “forever,” excessive communication, and whatever else works to keep you interested and on the hook.
Love bombers do what they do with the sole intention of manipulating victims into believing that they have found their happy-ever-after. It’s a control tactic, and it creates a sense of dependency and urgency, much like a whirlwind romance. And it’s on the rise. One 2022 study by Shane Co reported that 76% of all US women had been love bombed, along with 65% of men.
Over time, the “love” part of the bombing behaviour often gets replaced with emotional abuse, more dangerous forms of manipulation, and even domestic violence. It is, in essence, grooming for further abuse.
For more information I’d definitely recommend checking out The No-Crap Guide to Love Bombing.
What is the love bombing cycle?
The love bombing cycle is a pretty standard cycle of abuse used by narcissists, gaslighters, and other types of manipulative abusers. The behaviour almost always follows the same pattern, made up of three (or four) stages: love bombing, followed by devaluation, followed then by discarding.
Let’s take a look at each of them in more detail.
1: Love bombing
The first stage of the love bombing cycle is the love bombing stage, also known as the idealising or idealisation stage. During this stage, the love bomber will do everything in their power to persuade you (the victim or love bombee) that they are the best thing since sliced bread. The love of your life. Your soulmate. Someone you can’t live without. The most important person in your life. Etc.
They’ll find out what you love, then they’ll give you lots of it. With Sambuca, it was murder mystery and/or true crime. First, he sent a murder mystery puzzle book gift to my house, just because. Then, there a murder mystery pack turned up on my doorstep, which he’d planned for us to do together, but we broke up before that happened. (Time #97463675.)
If you like a certain type of music, they’ll also love it.
Are you in horror films? Yep, they love those, too.
Obsessed with space? Oh, yeah, you can bet your bottom dollar that they’ll give you the stars. Or, in my case, a star named after me/us.
You guys have so much in common, right?
For now…
Love bombers shapeshift into your perfect partner, or, at least, that’s what they’ll portray to you, anyway.
Guess what, though.
They’ll shapeshift into the next victim’s partner right after you. You’re not special. I’m sorry.
You’ll think the love bomber is special, however. In fact, you’ll be obsessed with them, and with what the two of you could be together. That’s what love bombers are good at: making you believe that they are perfect.
They’ll move the relationship forward at lightning speed, too. You’ll be moving in together before you know it. It’s like a whirlwind romance… on steroids.
2: Devaluation
Once you’re hopelessly in love with the love bomber, willing to do anything and everything for them, they’ll move on to stage two of the love bombing cycle, which is the devaluation stage. In reality, though, it’s not the devaluation stage: it’s the reveal-the-abuser stage.
During the devaluation stage, love bombers will, quite literally, devalue you.
They’ll hit your self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, integrity, dignity, and more. They’ll start to become overcritical of basically everything you do, and when you go against their unspoken (or not) rules, all hell will break loose… literally.
All of a sudden, they’ll hate everything you do, everyone you see, and everything you are. The things they seemed to love about you at the beginning, now irritate them enough to explode into an argument.
You’ll be confused. If they loved all of those things about you at the beginning, why do they hate those things about you now? What’s changed? Them? You? Something else?
You’ll try to change, but you won’t realise that at first. Before you know it, you’re changing what you wear to keep them happy, messaging back as quickly as possible to avoid another fight and bending over backwards to keep the relationship alive.
You have now devalued.
You don’t value your own worth, only the love bomber’s worth matters.
The love bomber has succeeded, once again, in manipulating you. First, they were everything you ever wanted and more; then, you weren’t worthy of them even looking at you.
It’s time for the next stage of the love bombing cycle.
3: Discarding
Stage three of the love bombing cycle is the discarding stage, where the love bomber does exactly how it sounds: they discard you.
It might sound counterproductive for someone who’s using to, to discard you, but there are several reasons why love bombers do. These include:
1: They have found another victim who has more to offer, is more willing, or otherwise “beats” you in some other way.
2: You no longer hold value to the love bomber. They have gotten what they wanted or needed from you.
3: You’re asking them to compromise, which they won’t do.
4: You’ve set boundaries, which the love bomber has no intention of respecting.
5: They’re trying to teach you a lesson by making you miss them. When they return, you’ll be so happy to see them, you’ll basically forgive everything. You’ll essentially go into “withdrawals” with their silence, getting a “hit” again when they return.
Commonly, love bombers soft-ghost or ghost their victims, which adds another layer of confusion to the abuse. The victim doesn’t know what they’ve done, or whether the love bomber will return, or any other number of things. Again, when the bomber finally returns, the victim is so damn happy to see them, they’ll basically do everything and anything they ask.
As far as manipulation techniques go, it’s pretty impressive… and it works almost every time.
4: Hoovering
The hoovering stage, also known as the fourth or renewed love-bombing stage, isn’t present in all love bombing relationships, but can happen when you/victims leave the doors of communication open.
The hoovering stage is exactly as it sounds: a big ol’ clean up.
The love bomber essentially hoovers up all of their bad behaviour, sometimes pretending like it never even happened, to start the cycle of love bombing abuse all over again. Maybe the relationship with their new victim didn’t work out, or they grew bored with them, or they just couldn’t find someone else – either way, you’re flavour of the month.
So, the love bomber will clean up, try to wipe the slate clean, and then love bomb the shit out of you all over again.
It’s called a cycle of abuse for a reason, right?
Love bombing and gaslighting: the gruesome twosome
Love bombing and gaslighting very often come hand in hand, both forms of dangerous emotional manipulation that can leave you utterly destroyed… if you let it.
Gaslighters will somehow convince you that the sky is pink with yellow spots, grass is now the colour of your red lipstick, and they definitely never said that one specific thing, you absolutely remember them saying.
Sambuca would gaslight me by saying things like, “I never said that!” even when I had a screenshot of the message right in front of us. He also convinced me that he’d “begged for my forgiveness,” when, in actual fact, he’d barely managed to apologise once.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Am I going mad?” you’re probably being gaslit.
If you’ve ever had to search through endless streams of messages, to find one that proves your point, you might be in the clutches of a gaslighter.
Knowing the traits of love bombers and gaslighters can help you to avoid the dangers, but they are sneaky, clever, and snide little fuckers. Even the smartest of people, with a wealth of personal experience behind them, can fall prey to manipulative and charming love bombers, gaslighters, and other abusers. They have a habit of going for vulnerable victims, or, at the very least, ones they think they can control in some way.
Love bombing, then ghosting: how it usually goes
Sadly, one of the most effective tools in a love bomber’s arsenal is ghosting. Why? Because if they ghost you, they’ll never need to explain why. And love bombers hate having to explain themselves.
It’s tough to explain your actions when even you don’t know why you’re doing them, right?
Communication either cuts off suddenly, and you never here from them again, or they’ll slowly reduce communication until you’re barely talking once per week.
If you ask why, you’ll probably be met with silence.
If you don’t ask why, the love bomber will likely get annoyed at you for not giving a shit about them, if and when they do finally bother getting back to you.
You can’t win, either way.
Welcome to yet another fucked up part of the love bombing cycle.
Recommended reading: The Ex-Slut’s Guide to Ghosting & Getting Ghosted.
Quick FAQ
Can love bombing ever be good?
No. Well, actually, that’s a lie: if you can somehow guarantee that you won’t fall under the love bomber’s spell, then all that attention, all the lavish gifts, and all the wonderful holidays will probably be quite nice. Sadly, few victims manage to take on a love bomber and win. Make of that, what you will.
How is love bombing bad?
Love bombing is bad because it’s a form of manipulation, and a form of emotional abuse. It’s not a silly little game that you get gifts out of: it’s a dangerous game that fucks with your head and leaves you wondering wtf for many years to come. While the attention may feel flattering at first, love bombing often leads to emotional manipulation and abuse.
What to do when you’re experience love bombing
If you think you’re dating or in a relationship with a love bomber, get the fuck out. Leave them as soon as you feasibly can, then block them everywhere that they could ever possibly contact you. Any line of communication that you leave open will be abused by the abuser. That’s what they do: they abuse. The love bombing cycle is a cycle of abuse.
Love bombing cycle: summary
And there you have it: the love bombing cycle, a masterclass in affection with a rather nasty twist. It’s proof that sometimes, all that glitters really isn’t gold. The trick is spotting the difference between genuine adoration and a cleverly disguised emotional blitzkrieg.
If you ever find yourself drowning in compliments and text messages at a pace that could rival the London Underground at rush hour, remember: love should feel like a warm cup of tea, not a five-alarm fire. Proceed with caution, and always trust your gut… because it rarely sends mixed signals.
Thanks so much for reading my blog today! 🖤
If you found this blog post useful, I think you might also like these:
- 12 Signs You’re About to get Ghosted
- Why Was I Soft Ghosted?
- 21 Signs You’re Dating the Wrong Person
